ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
