"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
