watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Randomize
