Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
