my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
