i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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