oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
