I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
