I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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