he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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