I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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