How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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