nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
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