yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
