I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
