She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
