tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
