We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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