when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
