When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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