About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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