maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
