I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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