omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
