You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize