so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
