omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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