Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
