No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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