Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
