Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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