Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
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