I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
