The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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