i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Someone came in the potted fern
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
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