today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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