The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
