I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
