Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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