I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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