Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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