So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
