And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
