i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
