new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
