I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
