I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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