Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize