Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
