Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
