Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
