I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
