The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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