You're my little dorito
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
