My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
