I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
